Romantic Love Really Can Last Forever According To Recent Study

There may now be hard science behind the notion that romantic love can last a lifetime

A neurological study from Stony Brook University revealed that couples who experience romantic love long-term keep their brains firing in similar ways to couples who have just fallen in love.

The research team, led by Bianca P. Acevedo and Arthur Aron, found that the “dopamine-rich brain regions associated with reward, motivation and ‘wanting’” were activated in similar ways in couples newly in love and those who experienced “romantic love” over the course of many years. They defined romantic love as characterized by “intensity, engagement and sexual interest.” This type of love was associated with marital satisfaction, well-being, high self-esteem, and relationship longevity.

What does it all mean?

It means that couples who maintain “intensity, engagement and sexual interest” without that extra layer of anxiety associated with “obsessive love” can, in fact, sustain the sparkly, cloud-nine, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling of being in love. This optimistic conclusion led Acevedo to state: “Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings… Couples who’ve been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion.”

If lasting love is an attainable goal, what’s getting in our way of achieving it? What keeps so many people from maintaining that excitement and closeness they once felt with a partner? And how can long-term couples rekindle a fire that’s started to dwindle?

I would argue that couples can preserve “romantic love” by avoiding a “Fantasy Bond.”

It’s a concept developed by my father, psychologist Robert Firestone, to describe an illusion of connection that a couple forms which replaces real acts of love, affection, and relating. A fantasy bond exists when the form of a relationship becomes more important than the substance. In these relationships, a couple starts to forego their individuality, losing the “me” to become a “we.”

As Robert Firestone explains it: “Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, to become a unit, a whole. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person.”

This loss of identity is detrimental to sustaining romantic love. Our initial attractions are very much based on a sense of interest in; an intensity toward; and an attraction to a separate person. This combination of emotional, intellectual, and physical engagement is necessary to keep love alive. Yet we forego this excitement in favor of a safer arrangement in which we regard our partners as extensions of ourselves, instead of appreciating them for the autonomous individuals they are.

We do this because, although most of us say we want real love, many of us actually find it hard to tolerate. Real love threatens our defenses. It can feel uncertain and unsafe to care so deeply for someone else or to be seen in a different light than we’ve been seen or have come to see ourselves over the years.

As my father wrote, the fantasy bond “explains people’s compulsion to relive the past with new relationships, i.e., to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in childhood… Once a fantasy bond is formed, individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others.”

A fantasy bond allows us to feel secure and connected to someone else, while numbing us against some of the more painful emotions that love stirs up, such as existential anxiety, fear of loss, or memories of hurt, longing, or rejection.


Unfortunately, we cannot selectively block out pain without also blocking out joy. Without knowing it, couples tend to set up routines and fit each other into roles rather than face the unpredictability and inherent challenges that come with maintaining passion, excitement, and a deep sense of fondness for another person, separate from themselves.

Signs that you may be in a fantasy bond:

    Less eye contact
    Breakdowns in communication
    Less frequent affection and less personal, more routinized lovemaking
    Loss of independence
    Speaking as one person, overusing “we” statements
    Using everyday routines as symbols of closeness, in place of being emotionally close
    Engaging in role-determined behaviors (father, wife, breadwinner, decision-maker), rather than developing yourself based on your personal goals and interests
    Using customs and conventional responses as substitutes for real closeness and relating

If your relationship has some of these qualities, don’t despair: A fantasy bond exists on a continuum. Once you realize that you have fallen into some form of it, it’s possible to reemerge as a happier, more in-love version of yourself. You must first investigate and explore how the bond manifests itself and hurts your current relationship. Then you can stop the behaviors that maintain the fantasy connection and engage in behaviors that encourage real, meaningful contact with your partner. You can stop reenacting hurtful dynamics and strengthen your capacity to love and be loved. Ultimately, you can become the person you want to be in your relationship—minus the fairytale, but with a much happier ending.

Romantic Partners: Vive La Difference!

Romantic Partners – The case for letting it ride

When romantic partners encounter differences, they usually try to talk about it.  Conventional wisdom tells us that this is an essential way to work things out. Unfortunately, talking about it often leads to arguments and hurt feelings.
Contrary to conventional wisdom, NOT talking about it can be a good idea.

That’s right.  A psychologist, who makes her living “talking about it,” says, “Don’t talk about it!” There is, of course, a world of difference between romantic partners talking about it and a psychologist and client talking about it.  Only one is being paid for expertise by a presumablly willing, even eager, client.

The case for letting it ride  
1)  Getting the effect you’re hoping for by talking about it requires an exceptional partner. 
While we are infatuated, we believe that our partners are exceptional.  We mistakenly believe that being in love inspires exceptional willingness to make accommodations.  And, though we say we don’t believe in fairy-tales, we believe that our love story will be exceptional.
Sooner or later, it becomes apparent that our love story is no fairy-tale, and we feel compelled to confront our romantic partners and talk about it.  Then, we learn that our partners are not at all exceptional in one very important way.  They seem unwilling or unable to change to better suit us.
2) Spouses are not renovation projects. 
As differences emerge and disenchantment sets in, partners air dissatisfaction's, hoping for behavior change.

When we air dissatisfaction's and request behavior changes, we think we are being reasonable.  We tell ourselves and our partners that we are simply giving feedback, offering constructive criticism, trying to improve the relationship.  In fact, we are attempting to renovate our romantic partners.
When we receive requests for behavior change, we recognize that our partners want to change us. We feel criticized, under-appreciated, attacked.  We react defensively or counter attack.
Unhealthy habits of interaction take shape.
3)  Although you cannot change your partner, you can change yourself.
To improve your relationship, practice these behaviors:

• Assume that your romantic partner is a well-intention adult who is appropriately interested in your welfare.  If you cannot safely assume this, see previous posts: Great Mistakes: The Big Six Red Flags – Parts 1 & 2.  Otherwise, don’t be surprised when behaving like a parent – trying to tweak your spouse’s behavior – elicits child-like behavior.
• Stop talking about your “issues.”  Live free of all those stupid arguments that invariably result from bringing up, for the umpteenth time, pet peeves, perceived mistreatment, and unresolved conflicts.  Live free of histrionic bids for sympathy and understanding or attempts to extract long overdue apologies.
• Give up trying to change your partner.  Imagine receiving the gift of love, free of disparaging comments or demands to justify behavior. Give that blessed gift to your partner.
• Improve yourself rather than your partner.  Learn to manage expectations, insecurities, anxieties, and dark moods.  Direct energy toward taking command of negative reactions and inhibiting impulses to blame your partner.  See previous posts: The One and Only Marital Obligation, How to Train Your Dragon, Walking the Path Alone: Self-responsible Spouse.
• Connect with your partner on anything and everything except your “issues.”  When you talk, discuss shared interests and concerns, express positive reactions and emotions, and reinforce desired behaviors.

Express Your Anger Without Pushing Him Away

Bottling up your anger or expressing it the wrong way can instantly result in a loss of intimacy in your relationship.  Next time you’re inclined to either “tell him off” or “hold it in,” follow these steps and watch how they powerfully bring your man closer.

Just letting out your feelings all over a man by “telling him off” will only push him away.  And “stuffing down” your feelings by pretending (to him, or to yourself) that you feel something else will also create distance between you and a man.  Here’s why…and what to do instead so you not only say what you really want, but you draw a man closer to you because of it.

Our self-esteem depends on how honest we are with ourselves, and the moment we say or do something that is not being true to what’s really going on with us, our self-esteem goes down.  And as our self-esteem goes down, we become less attractive.  A man is naturally drawn to a woman who is in tune with her feelings and who has both the confidence and the self-love to NOT put up with what doesn’t feel good.

Usually, we bottle up our anger so much that we wind up unleashing it on a man in a way he can’t hear – or we express anger about something completely different than what we’re actually angry about.

If you’ve ever blown up at a man because he didn’t pick up after himself when you were actually craving more romance and attention from him, you know what I mean.  You were really feeling angry about feeling unloved, not about his dirty socks.

8 STEPS THAT WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING

So, if we’re feeling hurt, disappointed and angry, how do we “let it out” truthfully in a way that increases his attraction to us and changes whatever is going on that made us angry in the first place?

1. STOP.  Interrupt whatever you’re about to do or say – it hasn’t worked before.
2. Sit down.  Don’t go somewhere else so he won’t see you.
3. Take a deep breath.  Let it out, and then breathe in and out two more times.  Imagine the air flowing all the way down your body and relaxing each body part as it touches it.
4. Find the feeling. Let’s say he made plans to do something else when you were hoping for a romantic evening.  Know what the feeling is NOT:  It’s NOT “I’m so glad you made other plans, because I really wanted to spend the evening alone washing my hair.”  You know you feel BAD.  You know you feel disappointed and angry.

5.Tell the truth.  Without saying the word “you” (which only serves to blame him and make him defensive), say:  “I feel bad,” or “I feel disappointed,” or “I feel angry.”

6. Don’t back down.  You might feel vulnerable and afraid that you’ve gone too far.  You haven’t.  If he apologizes, thank him.  And then say, “”I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or angry). It makes me feel turned off.”
7. That’s it; you’re done.  Listen to what he has to say, but don’t get into a discussion about it.  Your goal here was simply to honor your feelings (and therefore yourself) by communicating your feelings to him.
8. Immediately do something that makes you happy.  It could be something as small as making yourself a cup of tea or going for a walk.  The point is that you are taking care of yourself rather than expecting him to do so, which makes you even more attractive in his eyes.

The next time you feel yourself welling up with anger and unsure about how to handle it, try the steps above.  It takes practice to reverse long-standing patterns, but you can do it.  Once you do, I know you’ll feel so much better about yourself – and so much more adored by the man in your life.  The stronger you feel, the more the anger will dissolve, and you will discover a whole new level of intimacy in your relationship.

Hillary PANICKED Over Monica Lewinsky Tell-All

 

 

Leaked emails reveal what Clinton REALLY thinks of Bill's mistress. 

Hillary Clinton was so worried about having her dirty laundry aired out during her time as Secretary of State, the 68-year-old had aides debrief her on all Clinton-related books and shows, newly leaked emails reveal.

After WikiLeaks released more than 1,000 messages from Hillary’s private email server yesterday, it was revealed that the prez hopeful’s then Counselor and Chief of Staff, Cheryl Mills, was tasked with pouring through Taylor Branch’s salacious book, The Clinton Tapes: Wrestling History in the White House, as well as PBS’ documentary series, American Perspective.

PHOTOS: 10 Shocking Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s Latest Email Leak

“There are few surprises in this book,” Mills said of Branch’s tell-all, adding that that author refrained from disclosing certain information about Monica Lewinsky for fear of becoming a “witness” against Bill Clinton‘s infamous mistress.

Later in her summary, Mills delivered some good news to Hillary, noting that Branch failed to include a proper index in his book, making it much more difficult to find specific references to the Clinton’s career history.

As for PBS’ docu-series, WikiLeaks revealed that in 2012, Hillary had aide Robert Russo print an article slamming the network for its slanted portrayal of the Clinton legacy.

“How unfortunate, in my view, for PBS’ reputation and the integrity of its American Perspective series on the presidency,” the article’s author, Lanny J. Davis, wrote of the show. “And how unfair to Bill and Hillary Clinton.”

Do you think Hillary is still desperate to take control of her image? Will WikiLeaks ruin her 2016 presidential campaign? Let us know what you think.

Another Twisted Obama Sister! Sasha CAUGHT In New Party Scandal At Just 15

Shocking photos of wild Malia's younger sibling surface on social media.

Malia Obama isn’t the only first daughter who could be spinning out of control. RadarOnline.com has learned that her younger sister Sasha – just 15 years old – is caught in her very first scandal, over shocking photos that have emerged online.

Radar has viewed two photos of a young girl that appear to be Sasha, at a crowded party surrounded by cans and red plastic cups.

The photos were posted on Saturday night, October 1, with the captions “Taking shots with Sasha Obama” and “When Sasha Obama is at your party.”

Sasha wears tight white jeans in the photos, with a tiny gray crop top and a black bra peeking out.

She also wears a black choker with a small silver charm on it, which she has been photographed wearing several times over the past year.

Although this is the first party scandal for Sasha, her sister Malia, 18, was caught smoking pot in a video obtained by Radar in July, and then was photographed with a bong at a dorm party in September.

Neither the President nor Michelle Obama have commented on either girl’s behavior.

Brad Pitt Fears Angelina Jolie’s Latest Divorce Shocker

 

Angie throws a plot twist at Brad as the custody battle begins.

The divorce battle has only begun for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — and so far, things are about to get a lot more sour.

The 41-year-old actress has reportedly added two more top-notch lawyers to her team — joining celebrity divorce lawyer Laura Wasser — to fight Brad, 52, for everything she wants from their split.

Beefing up her legal team comes right on the heels of Jolie allegedly claiming she is refusing to cooperate with officials about Brad being accused of getting into a drunken violent and confrontation with son Maddox, last month — one day before Angie filed for divorce.

PHOTOS: Drugs! Affairs! 10 Secret Signs Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt Were Headed For Divorce

An insider told RadarOnline.com that Pitt “volunteered to do drug and alcohol testing” even though “it was not required” so that he and Angie could come to a mutual decision over the custody battle of their six children — Maddox, 15, Pax, 12, Zahara, 11, Shiloh, 10, Vivenne and Knox Jolie-Pitt, 8.

Sources also told Radar that Jolie’s divorce decision wasn’t due to the “ safety” of her children, but moreso for the sake of her family’s overall “health.”

But Jolie saddling up with additional top lawyers behind the scenes may cause more fears for Pitt. As Radar previously reported, Jolie and their six children are hiding away up in a Malibu mansion while she seeks sole physical custody.